Thank you Mr. Corporation for stopping by.  I understand you’re time is valuable.

Oh, speaking of money, let me start this thing.

Is that a taximeter?

Oh this, no, this is my after tax dividend payment device.  I call it, my love removal machine.

That’s sounds nice.  So let’s begin with a question you must hear a lot.  Mr. Corporation, are you a person?

Technically speaking I’m an infiltration unit, part man, part machine. Underneath, I’m a hyper-alloy combat chassis – micro processor-controlled, fully armored, and very tough. But outside, I’m living human tissue – flesh, skin, hair, blood, grown for the cyborgs…

Forgive me, but isn’t that a line from the movie The Terminator?

Your clothes, give them to me, now.  And your pension, social security and milk money.

Maybe another time.  Mr. Corporation…

I’d prefer you call me Kevin.

Kevin the Corporation?

Yes, or KTC for short.

Whatever you say.  KTC, I’m sure you’re aware of the Supreme Court decision Citizens United which, based on the legal fiction that characterizes you as a person, allows unlimited corporate funding of candidates who are willing to do their bidding, all in the name of free speech.  Honestly, in your opinion, does this really make any sense?

In concurrence with and acknowledgement of the limitating effects of fiscal restrictions imposed on the dissemination of authorized communications, as explained in Buckley v. Valeo, it has been determined that the formal sanctioning capacity granted to individual fiscal components within the realm of speech and speech related activities shall not be impeded by external bipedal interferences that tend to distort the affirmative remedial applications of stare decisis.


Hasta la vista, baby.

You’re funny.  But KTC…

I’d prefer you call me Steve.

Now you want me to call you Steve the corporation?

Or STC for short.

Well, I won’t call you neighbor.  Moving on, STC, you do realize the tired philosophy of infinite expansion and growth is nothing more than a fools errand.  To say nothing of the irreparable damage you are doing to the environment that we depend on for our very survival.  I mean, good god man, it’s called the Commons for a reason.

King Henry III’s Great Charter was clearly the result of undue influence from special interest groups and their activist judiciary, also known as those Anglo Norman tree hugging hippie elites.  Fortunately, we’re hopeful the Supreme Court will provide a remedy for that particular setback fairly soon as well.  After all, condos, shopping malls and parking lots are people too.

Oh sweet Moses…   Anyway, I can see that I’m just about out of time, and money, so I’ll keep it short.  Within all that legal mumbo jumbo that you so effortlessly spew, did you leave room for a morals clause?  You know, a little common sense morality to help prevent you from vanquishing the species.

On the advice of counsel, I plead the fifth.

But I have more questions.

I’ll be back…